English 版 (精华区)
发信人: us (祝大家美梦成真), 信区: English
标 题: The Last Human Without Windows95
发信站: 哈工大紫丁香 (Wed Apr 12 09:05:20 2000), 转信
The Last Human
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There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95
operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every
human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say
integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.
Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows
95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't
take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from
a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother
for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a
copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said.
"Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes,
which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2,
though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just
have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't useit?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about,"
the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records,
everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish?"
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them
to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the
Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to
Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but
then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is,
everyone has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me
to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you
what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your
computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your
whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer
operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising
it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access.
Click on it, bang, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said defensively, "it took up a lot of space on the
hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we
couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said. "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right
now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be
pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it.
So to have you holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the
company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those
military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those
high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey
ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by
accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said,
nervously.
"Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take
this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give
you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you did convince me to take that copy of Windows
95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That
would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a lot of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser,
and then nothing.
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This is without doubt the funniest thing about Windows95 that I have on my I
Hate Microsoft page. Sheer brilliance... the writer should be paid...
[Start Button]
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: The Bible According to Bill
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:19 1997)
Thus Spake Gates
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In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form
and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said,
Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was
good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its
number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good.
And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a [YakMan]
processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let
there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and
did his kingdom grow apace.
But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the
intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better
Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after
that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was
wrathful.
So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did,
he looked upon it, and it was bad.
So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it
right this time, yet they did not.
Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth,
Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers
to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked
upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but
like hotcakes did it sell.
And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly
Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.
And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificient version made, and his
henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.
Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised
next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks,
and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the
Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath
did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly.
And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the
suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone
before, set about building a great Hype.
Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the
fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and
Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As
the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end,
and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to
give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great
city.
And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs
sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the
newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.
Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of
midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come
even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought
ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.
And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his
hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of
Next Time.
[Start] the "I Hate Microsoft" Homepage
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Your M$ Questions Answered Here!
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:19 1997)
Your Microsoft questions answered here!
In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex
machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided.
Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers
everywhere?
A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit Microsoft would have no
one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to
update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a
programming staff to rearrange pirated code.
Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as evryone else. Why does Windows
look so crude and blocky and ugly?
A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly
to the user experie nce. How often have you seen garbagemen washing and
waxing their truck? On the inside? In Janu ary?
Q: I'm a programmer and I'd like to join Microsoft and help shape the future
of personal compu ting. How do I apply?
A: Send in your resume. Mark the envelope Attention: Unskilled Labor Pool.
If you're invited t o an interview, remember that any trace of integrity or
self respect will disqualify yo u. Pray loudly to any dollar bills you see,
and be prepared to kiss the arse of a small, geeky looking man in glasses at
any time.
any time.
[Start Button]
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: M$ Buys the Vatican
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:20 1997)
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
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VATICAN CITY -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
Vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the Microsoft Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing Microsoft's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described Microsoft's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.
The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as
other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly
competitive religious market.
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[Image] the "I Hate Microsoft" page
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※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Is Windows95 Really a Virus?
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:21 1997)
Believe it or not, Windows95 is not a virus, as many (millions) have
claimed. You want proof? Look no further!
What's the difference between Windows95 and a virus?
Quality VirusWindows95
Replicates Quickly Yes Yes
Uses up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so Yes Yes
Occasional hard disk destruction Yes Yes
Usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems Yes Yes
Will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow and the user will buy new hardware Yes Yes
Occasional meltdown of vital componants Yes Yes
Until now it seems Windows is a virus, but there are several fundamental
differences. Viruses:
1. are well supported by their authors
2. are running on most systems
3. have fast, compact and efficient source code
4. become more sophisticated as they mature
[Start Button]
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: New Windows95 Applications
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:21 1997)
Latest Apps for Windows95
Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates
announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95:
Microsoft Panhandler.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"
recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary
investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo
driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program
designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says
Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that
they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandler will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare
any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a
little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists
of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The
user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and
$142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to
have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu
says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next
couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the
lookout for products like Microsoft Mugger, which either takes $50 or erases
your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your
Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will
no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a
few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle
Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future,
we don't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire
network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you
are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.
[Start Button]
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: It's the end of the world
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:21 1997)
It's the end of the world as we know it...
and I feel fine...
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God
informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this
world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was
destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their
homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was
happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not
changing his mind. So...
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for
you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is
destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and bad news.
The first is there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth
in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff.... "I have good news and good news.
Firstly, God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world.
The second is, we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows95."
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[Start] the "I Hate Mic rosoft" page
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: The History of Operating Systems
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:22 1997)
The History of Operating Systems
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The Dosfish
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing
of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But
he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support
but few rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, caused to be
fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow
sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught but
few tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and
the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could
swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and
complained that he could neither be dragged or dropped. "Forsooth," they
cried, "the Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names he knows
only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went
off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was
cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awile in the
Parc of the Xer Ox. And he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish, and
do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the
Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke
thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish."
The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag
and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared
for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another Oz II, to
be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new, 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the
Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third window was the prettiest of
all. And the people began to like the third window, and to use it. So the
Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said "Fie on thee, for I need thee
not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will
not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were
many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish
with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become
confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. Then there
came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto the world. The
Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the
world was changed not a whit. For the people said "It is indeed great, but
we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue
Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a
Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before
he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity
with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers.
And the Entity would swim, not in the Pea Sea, but also in the Oceans of
Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my Entity will require
a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of
Eunuchs.
And so the gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all
but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and
even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too
would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the
Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown
and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their
Ocenas, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than
eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to
immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had
wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as
one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the
Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was he of the NextStep, who had given up building
his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make
wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could
use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of
all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And
sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities,
and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel
on the simple Dosfish.
---------------------------------------------------------
[Image] the "I Hate Microsoft" page
---------------------------------------------------------
� 1993 Lincoln Spector. All rights reserved.
Originally published in Southern California Computer Currents, July 12 -
August 15, 1993.
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: The Top 10 Things "95" Stands For
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:22 1997)
What does the "95" in Windows95 mean anyway?
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of hours to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run.
1. The year it was DUE to ship.
[Start Button]
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发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: M$ Cool User Program
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:22 1997)
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repea ted delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which
time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then
remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95
ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of
cold sleep and the release of Windows9 5," explained a Microsoft spokesman.
These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous
Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human
evolutio n."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will
be needed for the s torage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah,"
stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this
remark, but their wor ds were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with
competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze p eople? What for? Warp has already
been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a
"bold, innovative" mo ve. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column
"M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak , Brown claims, "IBM has missed
the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be
frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an
indeterminate per iod of time.
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed
that if "Windows NT d idn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would
chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that
"I didn't say which six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but
users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: A M$ Programmer in Hell
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:22 1997)
What really does happen to MS programmers once they die?
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found
himself in front of a c ommittee that decides whether you go to Heaven or
Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked
him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were
sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in
red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's
the beach? The music? The volleyball? " he screamed frantically to the
angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: The NEW Star Trek meets M$ Episode
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:23 1997)
Star Trek... The Lost Episode
---------------------------------------------------------
Recent reports of a lost episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation have
finally been confirmed. And now, for your reading pleasure, we are proud to
present the entire transcript. Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------
The crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise have encountered the Borg.
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathway?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a Microsoft?"
Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
--------------------------------------
15 minutes later
--------------------------------------
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We
however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F."
Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increase CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pac
One'."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
Over the speakers: "This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft Flagship
'Monopoly'. We have positive confirmation of unregistered sofware in this
sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10
seconds to comply."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg
ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits!"
Riker and Picard (horrified): "Lawyers!!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are convering it with pieces
of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -- it
often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg
deserve that."
---------------------------------------------------------
[Image] the "I Hate Microsoft" page
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: A Serious Interview with your favourite geek
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:25 1997)
Focus Magazine Interview with Bill Gates
Microsoft Code Has No Bugs (that Microsoft cares about)
---------------------------------------------------------
In an interview for German weekly magazine Focus (nr.43, October 23, 1995,
pages 206-212), Microsoft`s Mr. Bill Gates has made some tements about
software quality of MS products. After lengthy inquiries about how PCs
should and could be used (including some angry comments on some questions
which Mr. Gates evidently did not like), the interviewer comes to storage
requirements of MS products; it ends with the following dispute:
---------------------------------------------------------
FOCUS: Every new release of a software which has less bugs than the older
one is also more complex and has more features...
Gates: No, only if that is what'll sell!
FOCUS: But...
Gates: Only if that is what'll sell! We've never done a piece of software
unless we thought it would sell. That's why everything we do in software ...
it's really amazing: We do it because we think that's what customers want.
That's why we do what we do.
FOCUS: But on the other hand, you would say: Okay, folks, if you don't like
these new features, stay with the old version, and keep the bugs?
Gates: No! We have lots and lots of competitors. The new version, it's not
there to fix bugs. That's not the reason we come up with a new version.
FOCUS: But there are bugs an any version which people would really like to
have fixed.
Gates: No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed.
FOCUS: Oh, my God. I always get mad at my computer if MS Word swallows the
page numbers of a document which I printed a couple of times with page
numbers. If I complain to anybody they say "Well, upgrade from version 5.11
to 6.0".
Gates: No! If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe
you're not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?
FOCUS: Yeah, I did...
Gates: It turns out Luddites don't know how to use software properly, so you
should look into that. The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix
bugs. It's absolutely not. It's the stupidest reason to buy a new version I
ever heard. When we do a new version we put in lots of new things that
people are asking for. And so, in no sense, is stability a reason to move to
a new version. It's never a reason.
FOCUS: How come I keep being told by computer vendors "Well, we know about
this bug, wait till the next version is there, it'll be fixed"? I hear this
all the time. How come? If you're telling me there are no significant bugs
in software and there is no reason to do a new version?
Gates: No. I'm saying: We don't do a new version to fix bugs. We don't. Not
enough people would buy it. You can take a hundred people using Microsoft
Word. Call them up and say "Would you buy a new version because of bugs?"
You won't get a single person to say they'd buy a new version because of
bugs. We'd never be able to sell a release on that basis.
FOCUS: Probably you have other contacts to your software developers. But if
Mister Anybody, like me, calls up a store or a support line and says, "Hey
listen, there's a bug" ... 90 percent of the time I get the answer "Oh,
well, yeah, that's not too bad, wait to the next version and it'll be
fixed". That's how the system works.
Gates: Guess how much we spend on phone calls every year.
FOCUS: Hm, a couple of million dollars?
Gates: 500 million dollars a year. We take every one of these phone calls
and classify them. That's the input we use to do the next version. So it's
like the worlds biggest feedback loop. People call in, we decide what to do
on it. Do you want to know what percentage of those phonecalls relates to
bugs in the software? Less than one percent.
FOCUS: So people call in to say "Hey listen, I would love to have this and
that feature"?
Gates: Actually, that's about five percent. Most of them call to get advice
on how to do a certain thing with the software. That's the primary thing. We
could have you sit and listen to these phone calls. There are millions and
millions of them. It really isn't statistically significant. Sit in and
listen to Win 95 calls, sit in and listen to Word calls, and wait, just wait
for weeks and weeks for someone to call in and say "Oh, I found a bug in
this thing". ...
FOCUS: So where does this common feeling of frustration come from that
unites all the PC users? Everybody experiences it every day that these
things simply don't work like they should.
Gates: Because it's cool. It's like, "Yeah, been there done that. Oh, yeah,
I know that bug." I can understand that phenomenon sociologically, not
technically.
---------------------------------------------------------
So:
* Bug reports are statistically, therefore actually, unimportant;
* If you want a bug fixed, you are (by definition) in the minority;
* Microsoft doesn't fix bugs because bug fixes are not a significant
source of revenue;
* If you think you found a bug, you are wrong, because really it only
means you're incompetent; and
* People only complain about bugs to show how cool they are, not because
bugs cause any real problems.
------------------------------------------------------
Copyright �1996 by Nathan Myers. All Rights Reserved.
[Start]
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※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: A Classic M$ Support Joke
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:25 1997)
A Classic MS-Support Joke
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of
really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only
there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are
out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's
pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in
a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working
alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the
guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're
in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and
proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5
miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run
out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the
pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless;
therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the
airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Douglas Adams on Windows95
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:26 1997)
Douglas Adams on Windows95
Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995)
Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows
95 does not cross any frontiers.
What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets?
Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better
way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has
remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh.
This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a
giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all
supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush.
As part of this billion-dollar festival of smoke and mirrors, Bill Gates has
apparently paid the Rolling Stones 8 million pounds for the right to use
Start Me Up, the song which is better known for its catchy refrain "You make
a grown man cry".
This is a phrase you may hear a lot of over the next few days as millions of
people start trying to install Windows 95. Even the best designed systems
can be a nightmare to upgrade, but whatever things Microsoft may be famous
for - the wealth of its founder, the icy grip he exerts on what is arguably
the most important industry on this planet - good systems design is not, as
it happens, one of them.
Let's dispel a few myths. There's one which says that the original PC
operating system was a brilliant feat of programming by boy genius Bill
Gates. It wasn't brilliant and Gates didn't write it. He acquired it,
"shrewdly", from the Seattle Computer Company and then immediately licensed
it on to another, larger, outfit called IBM. When the IBM PC was launched
into a market which had hitherto been serviced by garage companies named
after bits of fruit, it carried the impimatur of a world-renowned name and
sold a zillion, making Gates' operating system a world standard. IBM had
failed to realise that any fool could make the boxes, but the hand that
owned the software ruled the world. Big Blue had given the kid Gates a free
ride into the stratosphere and then, astoundingly, found itself starting to
fall away like a discarded booster rocket.
Sadly this new world software standard was actually a piece of crap.
MS-DOS, as Gates called it, had started life as QDOS-86 or the Quick & Dirty
Operating System, which told you all you needed to know about it. A whole
generation of people doggedly learned to run their businesses on a system
that was written as a quick lash-up for hobbyists and hackers. Was there
anything better around? Of course.
In the 1970's, Xerox had funded a team of the world's top computer
scientists to research the man/machine interface. They devised a graphical
system, using windows, icons and mice. Their key insight was that a lot of
needless complications could be cut short by harnessing people's intuitive
and gestural skills. Oddly, Xerox failed to follow this up, and the research
was taken up and brought to the market by Apple Computer as the Macintosh.
After a shaky, underpowered start, this machine matured into a
well-integrated system which was not only very powerful, but a real pleasure
to use. Mac users tend to have an almost fanatical devotion to their
machines.
The Microsoft line on all this was that Windows was for wimps. The truth was
that plain old MS-DOS couldn't actually do them. Graphics, mice, networking,
and a whole lot else, had to be added to the basic core of QDOS as one
afterthought after another, which is why Wintel computers are so fiendishly
complicated to set up and maintain.
Gates, however, had always known which way the future lay, and for years
Microsoft managed the awkward juggling act of rubbishing Apple's user
interface while simultaneously trying to devise something like it that would
fit on top of the bloated clutter that MS-DOS had become.
BYTE magazine said recently: "It would not be an exaggeration to describe
the history of the computer in the past decade as a massive effort to keep
up with Apple." However, the Macintosh is not the last word on interface
design, and if Microsoft had been the innovative company that it calls
itself, it would have taken the opportunity to take a radical leap beyond
the Mac, instead of producing a feeble, me-too, implementation.
An awful lot of people who try to install Windows 95 will end up having to
spend so much money buying extra RAM and upgrading their peripherals to get
features that Mac users have enjoyed for years, that they might as well give
up and buy the real thing.
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to
lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the
fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into
it in the first place.
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Windows95 compared to Jesus
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:26 1997)
Windows95 Compared to Jesus
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of
publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the
Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe
it. Could it be?
To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour,
Jesus of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows95
Said, "Surely I come quickly." Has been promised "any day now."
Is taking a lot longer to Is taking a lot longer to actually
actually arrive. arrive.
Can walk on water. Can crawl on a 486.
Sits in judgement at the pearly
gates. Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
Bible says, "In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all
are possible." possible Windows apps.
Started life as a carpenter. Turns perfectly good computers into
furniture.
Born in a manger. Resembles something found in a barn.
Remembered for protecting the
weak. Has weak memory protection.
Was raised from the dead. Was created from Windows 3.1.
Jesus performed great works for Windows 95 multitasking performance
the multitudes. barely works.
Jesus has no sin. Windows 95 has no shame.
By the way, I am not a Christian... and if this offends any Christians out
there, I d on't really care. But you can email me if you t hink it will make
you feel better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Classic Oneliners
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:27 1997)
Assorted Windows95 One-Liners
Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95
Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete
Double your drive space...Delete Windows95
Friends don't let friends use Windows95
If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft
Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type "WIN" at the prompt
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good" - Bill Gates
Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy
Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None...
they just make d arkness the standard.
Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something!
The best way to accelerate Windows is through one
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
[Start Button]
--
※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: Windows95 Unrecorded Error Messages
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:27 1997)
The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow
got overlooked when printing the documentation.
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger [Purchased Win95?]
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time
you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and
the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please
click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional
errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
---------------------------------------------------------
[Start] the "I Hate Microsoft" page
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※ 来源:·BBS 水木清华站 bbs.net.tsinghua.edu.cn·[FROM: cuse129.se.cuhk]
发信人: Bob (Dinosaur), 信区: Joke
标 题: What's Michael Jordan got to do with Bill Gates?
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Tue Jan 14 09:34:27 1997)
Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls.
What's he got to do with Bill Gates?
---------------------------------------------------------
In US dollars...
Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages
about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of the United States'
past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this:
Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net
worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
---------------------------------------------------------
[Start]
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